EXT. Washington D.C – NIGHT 1
Open to modern day D.C. in ruins, as the scene fades in we hear ambulances, helicopters, explosions, military radio chatter, and screams from unknown origins(most likely human). King Dong and Rodzilla, both enormous kaiju familiar to our audience, are beating the ever loving shit out of each other in front of Congress or the Lincoln Memorial, take your pic of recognizable monuments.
RODZILLA(oh yeah they can both talk, we must NEVER explain this to the audience):
Suck on this you fuckin’ monkey!
Rodzilla blasts King Dong with an energy beam from his massive maw. King Dong crosses his arms in front of his head to block the blast and is pushed back a couple hundred feet like he is goddamn Goku or something. After the blast is finished he smirks and runs toward Rodzilla.
I’m clearly an ape you dumbass gecko! Why don’t you go back to selling car insurance to suburban fucks???
King Dong delivers a nasty uppercut to Rodzilla, knocking him down on his back. KD quickly gets on top of him and starts choking him out while Rod struggles to break free.
Any last words, motherfucker?
[Editor’s note: Can we get Samuel L. Jackson to voice KD? Rod TBD]
Rod struggles for breath, his vision is fading fast. He looks around for something to grab to hit KD, but instead his eyes find a crying child(or grown adult? Whichever is funnier) clutching a Walter White doll(from Breaking Bad).
Alternative: We flash back to teenage Rodzilla watching Breaking Bad with his mom with a plate of cookies and a cup of milk and then to his mother’s funeral where he is dressed in black and clutching a Walter White doll. The headstone reads ‘Momzilla’. We could also combine these two ideas where the child’s doll reminds him of his own.
Quick cut to KD’s eyes widening as he shakes Rod violently.
WHAT DID YOU SAY??? WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME???
Flashback to KD trapped in a cage in some unknown science facility. His only friend is a Walter White doll. Breaking Bad plays in the office of a nearby security guard’s office who has taken pity on KD so he watches it with him intently.
[Editor’s Note: Should we have an identical funeral scene with KD and the doll and the headstone reads ‘Security Guard #1’? We could also hint that these two scenes occurred on the same day at the same graveyard for no real reason.]
*eases his grip slightly* Wait, are you a Breaking Baddie???
*coughs a bit* Dude, it’s literally my favorite show of all time. How do you think I got my Laser Breath Blast ability? I ate a shit ton of radioactive meth in the New Mexico desert. YOU LOVE IT TOO???
KD slowly climbs off as Rod sits up slightly.
DUDE! Holy shit it was the only thing that got me through my years in captivity by Nostle Pharmaceuticals!
[Editor’s note: We will continuously refer to Nostle as a thinly veiled spoof of Nestle because they are a dog shit company and would definitely be evil enough to keep KD captive.]
OMG*he actually spells it out* I used to watch it all the time with my mom growing up!!!
My night time security guard watched it with me! He was the only one who took pity on me in that monstrosity of a company. Fuck Nostle. Wait-did you say the New Mexico desert? After I escaped I used to chill in the mountain ranges there around Taos!
KING DONG AND RODZILLA IN UNISON:
It’s a seriously underrated state in my opinion.
Did we just become best friends??
[Editor’s note: Can we use this line from Step Brothers? Better run it by legal.]
Throughout this whole conversation there will be missiles shot at them that they swat away and tanks driving up that they just crush or Rod could even interrupt a sentence to blast a helicopter with his laser breath or something similar.
Wow, I love Taos too. Great art scene. Hey, fuck D.C. dude, these politicians are the literal worst. Let’s go back home to New Mexico!
Whew, could not agree more on the art scene. And don’t get me started on the fantastic precious stone conventions!
Oh I WILL get you started on it buddy, but save it for the road! It’s time we ditch this Loserville and start heading homeward bound!
KD laughs as Rodzilla says he will get him started on it and wraps his arm around Rod’s shoulders.
You know you’re alright, Rod. Let’s hit the road.
King Dong picks up one last tank that is filled with screaming soldiers and chucks it over his shoulder or maybe grabs it with his foot and flicks it away while still having his arm around Rodzilla as they walk off together to begin their journey.
Samuel L. Jackson as King Dong. Ryan Reynolds as Rodzilla. Both have worked together before and can pull off the buddy comedy vibe we need. Alternatively we can get Will Farrell and John C. Reilly. We could also have Rodzilla be a woman and get an actress to voice her. Anna Kendrick?