I got the invitation in the mail. June 15th. I remember the date. She always did want a summer wedding. You never liked the cold. I don’t know why she even invited me. No, that’s not true. I knew the reason. She was polite, or rather, she was being proper. Doing what etiquette dictated. She was like that. Sometimes I liked that about her.
The invitation itself was gorgeous, or at least I assumed it was by the ivory envelope and blush colored ribbon it came. I still haven’t opened it. I left it on my desk so I can stare at it when I walk by or when I sit down or when I wake up. All the time. I can’t stop. But I can’t open it. I know what’s inside, and it isn’t me. It isn’t my future. It’s hers now.
I thought I had accepted that a long time ago, but here I am. Waiting weeks to open an invitation that I knew was coming. That’s the thing here, I knew it was coming for months. Well, maybe not months, but for weeks at least. I still kept in touch with some of her old friends even if she didn’t. I knew. I pretended not to care, but here I am. Still caring. Why do I still care? She obviously doesn’t.
Or does she? I’d be lying if I hadn’t played out a thousand scenarios in my head. No, probably at least ten thousand by now. You know how they go, or maybe you don’t. Grandiose fantasies of going and winning her back. Flying states away to go and track her down and win her back. Stealing her from whatever man she’s settling for instead of me. I’m probably going to run through an airport terminal dramatically at some point.
Yeah, that’s probably a little pathetic, but there it is. The truth, or at least some form of it. Well, the truth is I would never do something like that and even if I did she would never come back to me. I’m gone. I’m the past. I can’t even imagine her future without me because I have no part in it anymore. I don’t belong in it and I shouldn’t even be thinking about it.
But here I am, thinking about her and her new life while I’m stuck in my old life. Well, that’s not exactly true. I kept moving after you. Because moving was all I knew. You thought it was change that scared me, but truth be told what terrified me the most was stagnation. I forced change whether or not it was good. Nothing could stay the same for long, and because of that I created the roller coaster that is my life. Changing jobs, changing homes, changing friends, and changing relationships. And you were just another part of that.
Well, that’s not true either. That doesn’t give you enough credit. You weren’t just another piece. You were the piece. The only one that mattered. And now here I am living my life while you become a piece of someone else’s.
Sometimes I’d like to imagine another life. One with you in it. One where we could be together, where we could be happy. We’ve created this life together. You know, the one we always pictured back when things were good. When we meant it when we said we loved each other. Funny how that meaning fades right before your eyes without you noticing.
But I didn’t say yes to you. I didn’t say yes to us. I ran. In the end, you said yes to him. And now that yes has taken you to some place else, somewhere away from me. A place I don’t belong. That yes is another world, one that isn’t mine.